y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Your cock deserves a montage
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
