I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
