you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
