Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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