i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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