i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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