Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
