Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Randomize
