I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
