He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
