Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
