is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
