so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
