You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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