We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think your dad took our porno
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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