my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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