I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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