where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
