shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
