i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He has the fingertips of a God
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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