Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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