i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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