I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
