I want to make a zoo with you.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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