my mouth tastes like poor choices
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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