That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
