Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
