I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
