My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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