I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
