I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Your penis caused this!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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