Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
