Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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