im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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