Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
