I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Panties = found
Randomize
