I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
