If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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