remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
