she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
