i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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