Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
