WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
