i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
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I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
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Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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