life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
