I accidentally had phone sex last night
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
