So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
