it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Houston, we have a squirter
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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