You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
