Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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