Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize