i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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