I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
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I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
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My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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