woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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