I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
