You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
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It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
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I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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