I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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