I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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