If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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