Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
